Category: Funny

Family Feud wrap-up 25/12

elligence

Embarrassing people can be forgiven, but never forgotten.

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Premise: Two families/participants/whatever try to win prizes by guessing the top eight or some reason seven responses to a mundane A.F public survey.

For example.

Things parents consider before choosing a school for their kids:

Survey Says:

  1. Location
  2. Fees
  3. Distance
  4. Teachers
  5. Reputation
  6. Programs
  7. Academic results

I say:

Believe it… Academia is actually on the bottom of the list. Family feud may just be an anthropological window into the backward mentality of the Australian/human psyche. It would be interesting to compare survey results of the different countries. This Wikipedia article lists a healthy number of European countries that have their own variation on the show. In France, it’s called Une Famille en or.

Something that can be cut:

Survey Says:

  1. Hair
  2. Paper
  3. Meat
  4. Fruit
  5. Grass
  6. Cake
  7. Finger
  8. Nails

Now, this one, I’d love to see.

Something you find annoying about the host:

Survey Says:

  1. Hair
  2. Teeth
  3. (Can do) attitude
  4. Smile
  5. Attire
  6. Riffing with the contestants
  7. Ability to make puns

I say:

While not an actually question, it should be.

One last announcement.

While it can be fun to play at home and try and guess the answers to the quiz with your family members and friends, under no circumstances are you to bring this shit into your home by purchasing the board-game — yes, it does exist. Looking past the fact that people with a decent memory will only get, like, two or three cycles of the question cards — the ones with the ridiculous survey questions and answers — before they are defunct; this game is a quick way to make people hate each other.

For example, it brought out the worst in my mother, she turned into a snivelly little competitive cunt. A woman who has sub-par intelligence (arguably) was able to trump us all, proving once and for all that this game appeals to the lowest common denominator. I do realize that perhaps it’s the people and not the game, that the same Christmas fiasco would have gone down if we were playing Monopoly, Scrabble or even Connect Four. But I’m just saying, as a public service, play at your own risk of being turned into a competitive dead-shit.

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In other news 

In case you missed it, the last week in news. 

  • Bruce McAvaney puts on the greatest commentary display the world has and will ever see at the hyperbole Olympics. 
  • Australian banks historic cyber bullying class action versus the general public. 
  • ISIS releases statement after key losses in Syria: “Hey, we’re still good.” 

Sydney man pleads guilty to manslaughter after cupcaking wife

Peter Helliar to be the face of ‘anti-cupcaking campaign.’frosting-buttercream-chocolate

SYDNEY: A 34 year old Sydney man has broken down in court today confessing to killing his wife after a cupcaking prank went horribly wrong.

Police were called to the Double Day apartment in the early hours of the morning late last year to find the victim unconscious and barely breathing.

The victim was taken to nearby St.Vincent’s Hospital where the mother of two was placed on life support. Doctor’s say fecal matter was found in the victim’s nasal passage.

“We’ve seen a number of cases like this in the past.” A hospital representative told media. “One party, usually the husband, cups a fart [sic] to the victim’s nose (usually the wife) in an attempt to be funny. Farts are funny, cupcaking is not.”

The man told the court he’d been out with his friends on a night of drinking the night before.

This is the third such incident this year. The state government has asked Peter Helliar to be the face of a new public safety campaign to dissuade men from cupcaking their partners.

 

G-Haus: Small bars are hot property

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SYDNEY: There’s one thing in the world of hospitality that’s quickly becoming law: The smaller the bar, the more you can charge.

One Sydney entrepreneur has taken the concept to the extreme with a innovative new establishment called G-Haus.

“It’s simple. The bar goes wherever I go, but it’s mainly around York Street. When I see a location I like, I set-up and start serving drinks. So I suppose it’s pop-up in essence too,” creator Adam Garde explains, one of the first ‘hoteliers’ to combine the pop-up and small bar experiences.

And office workers are loving it. Rachel (29) said the concept was ‘fresh’ and would be here to stay: “Every time I come there’s a line to get in — there are only four stools — it’s great!”

Patrons seem unperturbed by the prices. John (26): “I realize that they’re just buying drinks from the bottlo [bottle shop] down the road and reselling for nine or ten times the price, but the ambience is worth it.”

Given the success of G-Haus, Garde shows no sign of slowing down.

“I want to take the concept to the Western suburbs of Sydney launching a luxury, small hotel experience. All I can tell you is that it will be called ‘Ro-Mo’.

 

ISIS claims responsibility for Suicide Squad

Suicide Squad char posters

SYDNEY: In other news, terrorist organisation ISIS has claimed responsibility for the blockbuster disappointment blockbuster, Suicide Squad.

Lackluster reviews have sent nerds into a spin with many becoming  disenfranchised with comic book adaption films altogether.

A spokesperson for the group said to media yesterday that  director David Ayer was paid-off to make DC Comics fan-infidels to [sic] “loose all hope in the comic-text publishing house”, as well as send a message to the wider community that Marvel, in particular The Incredible Hulk but not Iron Man, is tops.

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ISIS involvement explains the movie’s horrific third act and disappointing after-credits scene.

David Ayre was unavailable for comment.

 

IKEA: Fight, fuck your partner and have a nicer home

IKEA to bring IBIS Budget Hotels to premises

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SYDNEY| 03 August 2016 10:00

IKEA has today announced that it will partnering with the IBIS Budget hotel chain to bring a new level of convenience and service to customers.

Steve Howard, IKEA Chief Sustainability Officer, IKEA group said: “The partnership is an important one for IKEA. So many couples have fights and disagreements when selecting and using our products, we only thought it natural we should try and provide a space for people to rebuild their relationship before they get home and try and build our flat-packs.”

Chief Executive Officer, Accor Group, Scope Bredmore: “We’re happy to have this exciting opportunity with IKEA to help Australian couples. The new IBIS Budget IKEA suites will be pay by the hour rooms.”

According to researchers at Roy Morgan, overspending was the biggest reason men get annoyed with their partners; while women expressed frustration upon return of the purchased goods after their partners unsuccessful attempts at constructing flat-packs

In either case, IKEA, A.K.A ‘The Divorce Maker’, is the focal point of martial turbulence.
The home wares giant hopes by giving couples a chance to have make-up sex on premises it will ultimately get them back into the store sooner.

 

 

#forgotten filter — #2: Trump

Be a proud Republican

#tronalddump

Trump

A Valencia orange with a mat of shitty hair: #trump 

A fancy Trump filter for your Facebook profile so you can show your friends who you support in the US election 2016.

Hillary Clinton came out and released a Facebook filter you can add to your profile that displays quotes from the man himself on subjects as harmless as gays, women, immigrants and so on, the filter puts the relevant quote next to your photo. Savvy social smarts from Hillary.

Read more: Hillary Clinton Trump Yourself. 

Try these hashtags if you’re looking for the best anti Trump hashtags:

Funny Donald Trump hashtags

  • #antitrump
  • #trump
  • #dumptrump
  • #donaldtrump
  • #MakeDonaldDrumpfAgain
  • #LoveTrumpsHate
  • #NeverTrump
  • #BoycottTrump

 

Sydney restaurant fined $10,000 after Ratttaa infestation found in kitchen

1 Aug 2016, 9:57am

SYDNEY: An Indian restaurant in Sydney has been fined almost  $10,000 after health inspectors found a Rattata infestation in food storage and preparation areas.

In Downing Centre Local Court, the owners of the King Cross-based restaurant, pleaded guilty to 13 counts of failing to comply with the Food Standards Code. They were fined a total of $19,500.

Council health inspectors were alerted to the infestation after observing unusual behavior from several members of the public.

The court heard that the strange behavior can be attributed to the popular augmented  reality game, Pokemon Go.

“We saw one man almost get hit by a car and then walk straight into the restaurant in question. All without looking up from his phone,” one council officer told the court.

“When we went in to investigate what the idiot was doing, we found several of these strange purple rat-type things roaming around. There was rat faeces on the floor of the kitchen, in the service area and storage cupboards.”

The City of Sydney Council asked a magistrate to hand down a strong penalty that would deter other food business owners from letting Pokemon into their restaurants.

 

 

 

#forgottenfilter — #1: Equality

Because every should be treated equal

#equality

EqualityIndig

Those with nothing to give could still spare a thought for #equality 

Further reading about indigenous incarceration rates

Creativespirits.info highlights one of the most serious social issues in Australian history: the Indigenous incarceration rate.

Simpson and Doyle (abc.net.au) published a great piece: ‘Indigenous prison rates a national shame’.

Change your facebook profile picture, let the world know you care. Make indigenous incarceration rates a talking point on the street, not just in parliament.